My Journey of Self Worth
and why it could be yours too.
I sat there in the dark holding my baby. She was probably 8 months old at the time and with fat chubby rolls, hardly any hair but a smile that I knew wasn’t wind. She was a great eater, a great sleeper, she was pretty much the perfect baby (aren’t they all?) so why was I feeling utterly utterly shit?
My day consisted of getting up with the baby, making breakfast and normally downing a jug of coffee before play group, naps, feedings, more naps, more play groups and then the day ended again and it would be get 4 hours before it starts all again.
I was on a hamster wheel of mums I didn’t click with, babies who couldn’t talk to me about creative interests in a country I’d just moved to. It was humiliating, humbling and cut me so deep to my core that it would take another 10 months before I could come back to myself.
I would often dream of my past life where I’d been a creative with my own studio - either styling and photographing for big companies like Guinness and Selfridges or putting on events for Deliveroo and private workshops. My days consisted of brain storming ideas, meeting with clients, feeling a strong sense of self worth as I was able to pay rent, bills, pay for holidays. Pay for anything I wanted really - within reason.
I missed me. I missed working on a project till the early hours because I was passionate and excited and I could. I missed meeting with clients and making their dreams come true and having their trust that I could bring their dream vision to life. I missed all of it. The money, the confidence, the high of an event, the coverage in newspapers.
I missed being me.
How had I gone from a really successful career bringing in consistent 10k months to nothing. Having to essentially ask for more was degrading and made me feel worthless. Having nothing to do but feed, cloth and keep my baby safe felt like my brain was turning to mush.
I couldn’t explain it because honestly it had felt like a fairy tale life - meet a man on tinder, within a year be pregnant, have a healthy and happy baby, move country for an adventure, die inside because you feel worthless.
I’ve always been independent, always owned my own businesses. I have 15 years of being an entrepreneur, of digging deep to make my dream work. Running the show and teams- some up to 50 and being financially successful. I worked hard but played hard too. But this time it felt like this stuck-ness couldn’t be unstuck. I couldn’t get past my self and my new found role to make it through and find some love and peace within myself.
Where I live now, is not a place for freelancers. It’s not a place where they believe in the benefits of creativity.I If it were I’m convinced I would have started with events, small and intimate events to connect with souls around me. But it wasn’t. It’s a place where work = staying late at the office and working to become rich in money rather than rich in memories. It’s a place where work is made for those to eliminate individualism rather than use our different talents to bring joy and light to the world.
I went through several stages of grief.
Anger at my new found life and my husband for making us leave my old life.
Hate at who’d I’d become and why.
Resentment towards my baby for making me feel like I was locked into a hamster wheel of despair.
I was at a play group singing some inane song about hamsters and numbers, trying desperately to feel any sort of joy when one mum turned to me and said “ oh gosh, this is so fulfilling isn’t it?” when I knew I had to fucking run. I picked my kiddo up, mumbled some excuse about home and pretty much ran all the way back to apartment crying. Crying because “no Cheryl, this isn’t fucking fulfilling". Crying because I was made for more. Crying because it’s not about the deep and passionate love I have for my child but society tells us that we should mother like we don’t have jobs and work like we don’t have kids and I wanted some balance but no where out there, out there in those little squares do I see anyone creating the life I want.
It was that day that I wrote down all the tools I’d learnt over my 15 years of entrepreneurship and got myself out of that black fucking hole and into passion and joy and excitement. It was that day with tears running down my face I vowed to myself that I would make a life where I can be a great mum and be me. It was that day that I started my company and what would become two companies 6 months later.
I had all the tools I needed within me, learnt from my years hosting events, working with clients and making my ideas come to life.
It doesn’t matter where or why you’re feeling shitty and miserable and like your dreams can’t fucking happen. I’m here to tell you that they will but first you need to find YOU again. I’m here to tell you that the road isn’t always easy, but coming back to yourself, when I cam back to myself, it was the best fucking thing ever. I am alive. I am confident. I am in a place, emotionally and mentally that is reaching places I never thought I’d get too and it’s because I’ve come back to myself. To my soul aligned purpose.
I want that for you. I really do.
I don’t have all the answers, but I do have a lot. I might not have been through exactly what you’re going through but if you have ever felt:
like you’re not worth anything
like you have gone into a pit of overwhelm
like what the fuck happened that my life got so shitty
like nothing is working for you
Then I can help. I want to help because as women we having amazing gifts and powers and talents, and losing another female to the darkness is not going to happen on my watch babe. Losing another female to the thought process and belief that you are not supposed to follow your dreams is not going to happen with me around.
I’m here to tell you that your gifts and passion and talent are needed. Are valuable. Are precious. I’m here to tell you that your dreams and success are fully possible for you so if you want help or want to chat about how I came through it, how I got myself out of my pit please come join me. On here or on instagram. Send me a message because my love, you are not alone.