The last 3 months
Over the last 3 months I've kept a diary of all the roller coaster emotions that I've been going through while we've been desperately trying to keep my/our mouths shut regarding the baby. I've discovered that I'm awful at lying. The number of times I've come home crying from meeting a friend because I've not been able to tell them that I've got a little person growing inside my belly and I know, I know, we're sposed to keep our mouths shut for the first 12 weeks because the chance of a miscarriage is highly likely but yet, no one talks about it so it seems so shameful or wrong or bad. 1 in 3 women have a miscarriage within their first 3 months of pregnancy. 1 in 3! I mean that's some really really bad odds and yet we hardly ever hear about the sad but all to common news. So in order for me to kinda let it all out I kept a diary, below you'll find a couple of exerts of the last couple of months, how I felt, things that happened, issues that happened with my body....
Week 3-4: We shook and I cried, obvs, and well, we were up all night when we really needed to get to sleep! Things I've noticed that I thought were weird was I've been out of breath when normally I'm perfectly capable of climbing our 2 flights without puffing and panting. I've had headaches - which I never get and I hadn't given up sugar or caffeine cos I don't really eat that much so couldn't figure it out. Knackered like an old grandma. Head on the pillow at 7.30pm and I'm a gonner. And lastly, I needed the loo. All the time.
Every time I go to the toilet I pray 'please don't be my period, please please please.' Is this something anyone else did? I'm trying to consciously tell my body that I'm a lovely beautiful warm and loving place for him to be and come on, he's in the best place. It's so nerve wracking! Like unbelievably! I can't stop myself and I need to the loo at least 12 times a day so imagine!
So that's it. 3-4 weeks pregnant. As T says 'even if something does happen, at least we know it all works babe' and he is so right. So I'm dreaming and believing that everything will work out but also I'm keeping up the hope that even if it doesn't we'll be ok. It is possible and after all, hope is a lot to work with huh?!
Week 5: God! What a crazy dazical week. Finally I managed to get back to Dublin (although I was having an amazing time) and got myself to doctors. Convinced I was going to be told I'm making all my pregnancy symptoms up, she actually told me I was preggers! 5weeks 1 day to be exact. What makes it even crazier is that currently I'm fat as hell from bloating even though the little nugget is only .3 of an inch! I mean come on, isn't that crazy.
Luckily I'm not getting any morning sickness bar the odd queasiness however I am bloody wrecked! Sleep sleep sleep sleep zzzzzzzz. It's all a bit of a daze, forgetting apointments, forgetting names, forgetting my own name. It's a real blur. The hardest part? I still have 6weeks and 3 days left until we get to say anything out loud to everyone, or anyone for that matter.
12 weeks is the official date when you're less likely to miscarry, although I suppose you're never really out of the woods. I kinda assumed once you got pregnant you'd be all fluffy and happy and la-di-da skipping along the daisy field. Instead in between massive amounts of excitement and happiness I'm a bundle of nerves. Did you know for example, that during your first 12 weeks, your belly starts to doing belly flips and movements that are so similar to period pains it's hard not to think you're miscarrying. Apparently your womb is just getting ready and open for your little bundle growing. I've never heard that before! So now when it happens, I just say (out loud like a crazy person) 'no worries little one, it's just my tummy making some space for you to grow and get big, you know it's the safest place for you'. I know, nutter!
Week 7: Much of a much-ness currently, sleep, sleep and well, more sleep. T leaves the house and I'm asleep, he calls and I'm asleep, he comes home and I'm asleep. I feel a bit sorry for him because on the outside nothing looks different but on the inside, everything feels odd and new and weird as hell. In under 9 months this thing will pop out of me and that's it, for the rest of my life, I'm responsible for this thing. It's so odd.
Every twinge and pain in my tummy sets my head spinning. Have I lost him? Is that the end? Just to note, I don't know the sex of my baby, but I have this overwhelming feeling that it's a he. A little man. Mad huh?! Up to now, things have been pretty good bar the issue of going to the bathroom, or not going to the bathroom.....
Week 9: Time is going so fast and yet soooooo slow. Week 9. We still have 3 more weeks before the scan, before I can start to tell people although, if I'm honest my bump is so big not only am I convinced it's twins but it's also really hard to hide. The weather has been amazingly hot recently and I'm loving it. Wishing and wishing that we could live in this heat throughout my whole pregnancy because let's face it, I just want to be in a pool or by the beach eating mangos and having all the fresh fruit available to me.
My boobs have become unbearable. Unbearably big and unbearably sensitive. Like "don't even rub your arm against the side of my breasts cos I want to kill you" sensitive. Coming from a girl who before she was preggers has 32GG size melons I'm up to a J and life is tough. Dublin, being Dublin, does not cater to larger breasticles so I'm really struggling. Struggling to sleep on my front or side, struggling to even turn direction..
Food wise, I've completely gone off meat. The smell, the look, I just don't want any of it. It's not bad thing, but adding to the fact I'm hungry but never want to eat anything once it's in front of me. Nothing really seems to appeal to me. Really can't wait for the scan, see the little peanut moving around hopefully, 10% of me is uber paranoid that something will be wrong. Whoever said being pregnant was an exciting time forgot to add that it's one of the times you're going to be most paranoid!